Short Test a relief for Tasmanian Greens – ‘We hate all sport.’


4272782685_cae733978d_Bellerive-ovalA “spokesperson” for the Tasmanian Greens has expressed relief at the uncompetitive performance of former cricket powerhouse the West Indies, in the First Test match against Australia at Bellerive Oval. The match was record breaking for several reasons, not the least of which was that Australian finally expunged the ghosts of Calcutta 2001, by enforcing the follow on and winning.

In one of the most one sided matches ever played between the two nations, Australia won by an innings and 212 runs in two and a half days, to tiny crowds, against a West Indies side that appeared lacklustre.

The Greens “spokesperson” said ‘It is good that Cricket Australia only gives Tasmania a Test Match every other year, that it is never at a consistent time of the year, and that it is generally the weaker nations which play here. Ideally, we would like to see no cricket at all in Tasmania – we hate all sport, because it encourages a competitive mindset in individuals and groups, as well as the pursuit of excellence, which is exclusionary to those who aren’t as good at cricket, such as our own constituents.

‘It encourages people to engage in group activities which aren’t explicitly sanctioned by government, otherwise known as civil society. We also believe that the money invested in sport could be better directed to environmental organisations lobbying to end our use of fossil fuels, and the time could be better spent teaching white people to hate themselves.

‘But this Mickey Mouse approach to Tasmanian cricket is for us a reasonable stepping stone toward eventually making life unliveable for all Tasmanians. Tasmania is blessed with some of the most beautiful landscape in all of Australia, and we intend to implement John Muir’s ideal that no human should ever be allowed to experience it.

‘Uncompetitive and irregular Test match cricket is thus part of the Greens’ 35 year plan to make Tasmania people free by 2050. We feel very proud of the way we have sabotaged the Tasmanian economy in the furtherance of this goal, and we intend to eventually spread this policy agenda throughout the rest of Australia.’

Meanwhile, a short poll of the crowd at the Bellerive Oval revealed a strong majority (72%) look “very favourably” on the possibility of global warming, while an even greater proportion (85%) said they “can’t wait” for the record breaking El Niño to kick in this summer.

Photo by RubyGoes